Music Makes Me Smile

I'm so happy with a select bunch of songs at the moment, as much as I love musicals and stuff I am very much into more relaxed songs at the moment, most of the songs I'm currently hooked on are found via a band who do covers in live shows and a few of their own (which aren't released which is annoying as I love them!) they are a fantastic band though, Jim and the Povolos. You can easily find their live stuff on youtube if you type that in.
Some of those songs are; White Winter Hymnal by Fleet Foxes, Multiply by Jamie Lidell, River of Dreams by Billy Joel. Check out the youtube videos of the band for their originals and other songs, I strongly advise it.
But I'm also loving just people playing music on the street, when I hear it, it just makes me in a lot better mood, having the confidence to just play your music in a random spot in a busy place, I find, is a lovely thing. I love it so much that it's on the list of things that make me instantly happy. It can make a less than appealing place seem so much interesting and alive.

Busy Bees

So far the time from which I've left school has been good, last week especially as it was a busy but fun week, including two concerts, musums in London and a beach trip with lots of friends! It was a good week, and this week seems to be off to a good start too! I have got nagging thoughts of things I know I should do but it can wait.
I'm also going to one of the midnight showings of Harry Potter when it comes out which I am very excited about as the film will be amazing, not as good of the book, and it will be sad but I am still very excited about it. Then off for the weekend for a post-wedding party which should be nice as my step brother and sister are also coming down for a while.
Normally I'll have something more interesting to say, and while I was in London I was thinking about things a lot, especially how I felt about being in a big city on my own and how confident I was with that. The answer was not very for most of the time, though towards the end I got more comftable with it and remembered why I love London. It was as simple as a man playing piano at the train station, and people going around on rollarblades. Julia Albains book was my salvation why I was there, feeling ok with going places on my own. But I am glad to be back doing things with my friends now, and the two weeks of freedom are now closer and I am starting to organise fun things to do.
On another note, listen to Darren Criss' album Human. Its amazing, and I've heard it performed live so I should know. He has a very calming voice, and writes beautiful songs.

End of Chapter 1

As the title suggests it is now the end of the first chapter of my life. I feel its a good analogy for well life. I think it's only been one chapter so far as I would start it when the character is finding their feet and I would argue thats only been the last few years, which in life terms is one chapter. Ok so now I'm going to be cheesy, you want to carry on reading when things get good and move onto chapter two but at the same time when it's a good book you want to re-read the first chapter too. or not move forward incase something bad happens. (When I read the last Harry Potter I kept stopping as I knew what was coming and didn't want to read it) And lets face it the characters at the start of a book are the ones you first fall i love with and you want them all to be there at the end but in many cases they won't be. I know the rest of it will be good but at the same time there are parts of chapter one that I wouldn't mind bringing into chapter two. This is so cheesy, I apologise but hey I like cheese. (In the literal sense and otherwise) It is sad though, its like if one day Hagrid was no longer written into the Harry Potter books or Pippin in Lord of the Rings, in the first but then no longer used. I would be very sad and in that regard it's sort of like that, well known and familiar characters going and you don't want them too.

This reflection is partly due to the fact that two years ago there was a massive switch in my life, not so much the event itself but the knock on effects. It really re-states what I've said before, two years and so much has changed and I'm glad it has. I now wish I had something to do tomorrow other than lie in. Relaxation and organising my things normally are one in the same thing so I may go for that, getting rid of stuff I don't need in prep for Uni, but thats a whollle other thing.

Reflections

You know the song 'Get It Right' from Glee? Well that is how I feel. Not all the time but sometimes I just like that song on repeat. That basically I'm always trying really hard to make people happy and I'll do pretty much anything to please people (within reason of course, I wouldnt compromise who I am for it) but it's not obvious. I like to organise things so they are fun for people even if it means shelling out a lot of cash myself, just as long as they are having a good time. I suppose it makes me a good host but sometimes it does lead to a stress attack. I find it hard to dislike people and I will always trust people, some argue I am niaeve but I don't see an issue with it. It's just seems to me that sometimes kindness is over looked as a trait in people, generally those who are funny or confident are the people who are identified with as the good friends or the most memorable. It does make you worry that your not the person someone would choose to invite somewhere and people could take you or leave you. I am aware most of this most likely isn't the case and it's in my head but thats how it seems sometimes.

Im still very proud with how far I've come in the last couple of years, at the start of year 12 I had no friends, I mean I did in year 11 I'd had the same ones for years but I had originally gone to college and then ended up at 6th form a week late and people viewed me as weird because of various reasons. (So sue me for being weird!) And after a while I found my footing again and started talking more to people at lunchtimes since they were always horrible, I talked to people in lessons anyway but lunch was just ahhh! Now I look back on it, it was a good thing, it made me a much nicer person and more sympathetic and I would say thats positive. Ive grown over those 2 years and now I'm very confident and very happy with the person I am, but sometimes it is knocked and I'm left feeling a little bit like I did back then. But either way you can't deny that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Its just nicer when people acknowledge what you try and do.

'American Prom'

We have our Summer Ball on Friday or as most people would call it Prom. The prom we had in Year 11 wasn't that great since there wasn't really enough space for everyone and not everyone got on with each other. But this one will be much better since people do get on and we are having a proper sit down meal with allocated tables! From what I gather everyone is looking forward to it as they should be!
My Dad personally doesn't like the whole idea of prom as it is typically American, but what he doesn't know is that we do it a bit different over here! We don't have the whole 'I must find a date!' thing, we just go with friends which obviously takes away a lot of hassel and we don't have a king and queen, it's not as big a deal here. It's still really fun and I would argue a better way of doing it though I've never experienced an American prom so it's not like I have anything to compare it too!
None the less it will be great! It's also the absolute end of school, not only my last exam on the same day but one of the last times people will see each other, other than maybe results day in August. Luckily I have a class meal the next day so it won't be a big 'Holy hell what am I doing with my life!' as I won't have time to think about it much, which is partly why I like having a full diary! Once it's all over, it's over! And I have had a my faith in Uni choice shaken a bit and choice in subject really but I would assume thats pretty common with a big change. I think maybe I should have applied to a wider range of places, maybe even in different countries. But I have lots of years ahead of me to do things like that :)

Ambitions

A lot of the time excuses can be made when it comes to achieving things in life, 'I never had the opportunity', 'I didn't have enough money' blocks and restrictions are put up and in some cases they are actual problems which prevent you from doing things. However a lot of the time you just have to make your own opportunities and grab every single one that comes your way. Yes in some cases you could say opportunities are given to people who don't want them or appreciate the fact they have them but you have to get past that.
A key part of the world is - sadly - money, there is just the fact that you want to be doing work that you enjoy and thats a value I intend on keeping with me my whole life, I never want to just accept I job that doesn't challenge me or that I don't enjoy doing. Obviously there is the transition period when your at University where there isn't as much choice but thats ok, it's the long term job that matters. If it provides a good amount of money then even better as it can open more doors for other experiences. Thats not to see I am pleased that is how the world works sometimes but I enjoy psychology and am happy to go into a career in it.
But I need to not make any excuses when somethings comes my way and fight for the opportunities, in some cases it may mean making a hard decision but such is life. The phrase living life to the fullest is slightly cheesy but that doesn't make it any less true. I try and think 'will I regret it if I dont do it?' If the answer is yes then I will normally do it, I don't always which maybe should change but life is about change and development isn't it.

What's family anyway?

Family is an odd concept. Usually you would think it was one of the most normal things in the world but there are so many cases where thats not true. One of the most common reasons is because of divorce. I understand why we allow divorce, you can't force people to stay together, but in some cases a marriage is rushed into at a much to young age and they have children. It's when children come into the picture that it is really a problem as the relationship is affecting someone elses life and happiness other than your own. This is why it sometimes angers me when parents don't really consider the consequences for their children when they get a divorce and when some re-marry.
Personally my parents are divorced and both are re-married. I prefer my Dad, I realise that you shouldnt favour one parent over the other but I do. In fairness to them I can't even see how or why they got together in the first place as they are polar opposites. But the same goes for my step-parents, I like my step-mum and do not like my step-dad. Yes the parents have the right to be happy, but so do the children in the 'best years of their life' (which I think is a bit of a lie). As a result it will affect me for the rest of my life and mean that I will never really experiance what it's like to be in a 'family'. I feel like a stranger in my own home. Like I can't act how I want to incase I'm screamed at for it which is often. They seem to forget that I am now 18 and have changed a lot since I was 10, my opinion actually matters, if you don't listen to those sometimes then you're going to lose me. This is the opposite in my Dad's house, my opinion is valued in that house and I'm actually proud of what he has achieved, he does a lot with his life and is highly creative which I really admire. The things I value are not what my Mum values which is where are problems come from, some of the time anyway.
This makes me look forward to University more, I'll miss my younger brother since we are very similar as I've been more of the role model than my mum, but at Uni I can do the things I want to and act how I want to. My life will become my own and it will become a new home with new people which is something to look forward to. I can fully see what I am capable of in my own environment after I've got rid of those shakles round my ankles. I think it'll make me a much happier person than I am now. So it's a very good thing and I'm glad for it.

Sorry for the slight rant, but it needed to be written somewhere. :)

Book of Mormon Musical

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BO46-7jymA

This is one of the songs from the musical ‘Book of Mormon’ and it rocks! It just won 9 Tony Awards including the one for Best Musical. It was made by the creators of South Park and Avenue Q. So it’s obviously very good! This is just one of the songs but the album is highly addicitve and the songs are very catchy! Just wish I could see it but its in the US!

I guess the only people who wouldnt like it would be those who are easily offended/religious as it does poke fun at mormons. Then again when you take into consideration the creators its not surprising! I’m not personally religious so it doesn’t bother me and maybe is partly why I do find some songs very funny such as ‘All American Prophet’ which explains Mormon beliefs and they do sound a little ridiculous and the song points out the flaws in the belief. But it doesn’t matter since it’s clearly a good musical whether it offends some people or not.


It's a tricky business with things like this as some people are always bound to take offence but at the end of the day its just an enjoyable musical. It does raise some good points about the negative parts of some religious people such as in 'Turn it Off' which is all about ignoring 'bad thoughts' such as homosexual feelings. It obvious to most people that being homophobic is just stupid but some people are and the musical highlights that through catchy tunes.

Reminders

Is nice how certain things can remind you of people or events. It means you can hold onto that person or memory via more than your actual memories. Songs, tv shows, objects. Your world fills up with physical - and more recently digital - reminders. I like it.

Lifes a lot better when you are reminded of the good things or people that have happened in it. You still need to introduce new people into that though, as the saying goes 'the more the merrier' and I really believe thats true. The more people there are the more variety you will get in the things you can do with friends as everyone has slightly different tastes so it's good to match all of your own with different friends. Thats why Uni is such a good way of doing this, different socities offer different people to meet and the more you join the wider range of people you will get to know and the more people you can become great friends with. Win - Win.

I don't know what it is but recently I've had a big dent. The feeling that there is something up and I can't quite put my finger on it. I have my theories obviously as to what it is. I think it's mostly due to the fact that everything is happening now, schools ending, going to University, the big friend factor which is a long and complicated thought among other things. It isn't really what you want when you have exams, but two more down today and only two to go and only one which really requires proper revision.

I do look forward to the fun things I have planned still. But as things become more complicated it flips your head on its side making it difficult to see clearly. It just seems that sometimes things are made more complex than they need to be and it makes things difficult.

Sometimes you just need things to be simple. Yes at some point everything will have it's problems but as a whole things can also run smoothly in a way which means you can just enjoy life on your own terms. Thats hard when you are someone who has a habit of over-thinking things which isn't always bad but it makes just taking things as they come hard somtimes.

Anyway thats a silly rant but lots of things are happening at the moment and it's highly stressful. Considering I think I'm coping very well though, I'm still very happy in myself and I need to remember that. I'm happy with the person I am and I wouldn't change anything major about me :)

Bring it on.

While school is now actually over - which is highly sad, I had a good cry about it yesterday which maybe is even sader - there are still exams to go in for. So currently I am far to busy revising and/or wasting my time to really dwell on the fact it’s all over. The End. Finito. Once those wonderful exams are over it will hit that I have ‘nothing’ to do with my time and everything from my ‘old’ life will in fact be done with. Although I have A LOT planned for the summer months, most of which are drenched in epicosity! It will consist a lot of me texting people everyday asking them to do something, that and the fact I have the house with no ‘adults’ for 2 weeks so that will be fun. Not in a wreck the house sense but more of a ‘Hey everyone! Come to mine and bring zombie XBox games!’ sense. Cause thats how I role.

So while I am infact thinking of lots of little projects to do and prep for University, I don’t think I will have a lot of time to do those things in the end. My diary is filling up fast which makes me very happy. So what if I won’t have a penny to my name when I leave? Right now a fun summer is all that matters. And as the end of exams is coming into view the more excited I get for all the amazing stuff I’ll be doing; seeing Take That, Darren Criss and going to Glasgow so see some excellent friends to name but a few. That topped of with beach trips and the like with friends spells out what WILL be the best summer of my life thus far. Bring it on.

I was going to write this from my desk but in the end I felt I could only write it from the comfort of my bed.
Its been a fun yet tiring day, physically *highly unfit* and mentally. It was the last day of school. Ever. Never again will I have to sit through lessons or spend lunchtimes with friends. While there is one side thinking 'yes! you ididot you just wanted to sleep in lessons anyway!' another part of me is very sad.
You get so used to the routine and the people after 5 years at the same school and 13 years in conventional education. It will be very strange from here on in. Stressful exams and a strange lingering feeling I am already getting which is saying to me 'what are you going to do with your day? your life? how are you going to manage without a routine?' Part of that is highly exciting, after I've finished my exams I can do whatever I like with my time, a lot of which will consist of reading and spending as much time with friends as I can. But it's a scary thought. I know Univerity will be fun and I will love it from what I've heard it just improves from now on, but it'll be a big change.

I'll miss everyone, theres no doubt about that. And I want to keep in contact and see people in the holidays. Seems silly to loose contact with people you care about and make your life better.

Overall though today was good. Spent time with friends. But I deffinetly now have an odd feeling where its daunting on me that I won't be going back for a school day.

Memories...

Memories are so complicated. They are the things which form our whole lives, how we behave, how we perceive things and that’s what makes them so important. We always try and cling onto the good memories, they sometimes end up distorted but if they make you happy then where’s the harm in that? I know now more than ever these memories are crucial and so is creating more positive ones. When I have to leave my home and friends those memories will get me through and the knowledge that I’m always going to create more of them with new people that I will grow to love just as much. That’s why its important to drop the trivial and try and enjoy what’s happening now and take up every chance to create new memories, even when it goes wrong, it can be something you’ll look back on and laugh at in the future.

So we forever strive on, nostalgia can set in as we look back on the good times - but safe in the knowledge that at some point you’ll look back on the present moments fondly and long for their return. Because everyone we know leaves imprints on our mind whether they are positive or not and its important to nurture the good ones to keep those feelings alive as it only enhances the state your in now.

Moral of the story? Cherish the memories. Feed them by looking back. And look for the chance to create more.

Tattoo

This the tattoo I got yesterday, its pretty damn awesome. I was nervous but in the end it really didn't hurt to much, I mean when people say it dosn't hurt at all they are lying or have a high pain threshold, it does hurt a bit. I was talking to the guy about it and he thinks its like a cat scratch or bee sting which I would say is a pretty good description but it's not as bad as that. It made my whole hand very hot though which was odd, but you get used to the pain after a short time. And I can deffinetly see why people keep going back.

The only thing's which are important are the aftercare, which I'm still getting used too, washing it and cream, but it's weird cause it sort of raises a bit and peels (ew right?) but ill have to see as it takes almost two weeks to heal.

The other important thing is to be totally sure about what you want, I personally thing it should have some special meaning to you not just some decoration. As somewhat of a peace and environment activist it's pretty easy to see why I got a tree and a peace sign.

Experienced my first 'proper' party last night, and when I say proper I mean people getting drunk, although I was one of the more sober ones. There are some very fun aspects, singing Disney songs at 3 in the morning for example is very fun.Though I'm still not quite sure where the fun into getting totally wasted is, tipsy yes, little drunk yes but when you reach the point where you have no clue whats going on and will regret it the next day? That level of drunk is lost on me.

What is less fun is having few hours sleep and a revision session the next day, however it wasnt all that terrible but left me VERY drained now.
That and I am getting my first tattoo tomorrow so I'm terrified to say the least but also excited...I just hope it won't hurt tooo much. But I came up with the design myself (not that its very inventive or anything) but it means more then when you decided exactly what you want. So I'll be very happy with it at the end of the day. Plus I'm going to see X-Men afterwards so that will help :)

My fun little poems

Foreword: I know these aren't works of art but they were fun to write. I felt all creative and stuff.

When you open an unknown door
You may find a scary monster
But you'll learn to fight him off
Then you'll get the ice cream he's guarding.

When you fall from a tree
You graze your knee
When you fall from the pedistall
You get your wings back.

If you plunge into the ocean
You'll get your fins
If you leap into the sky
You can pick up your cape.

Superheros can fly over clouds
But I have a plane
Superheros can pick up trucks
But I have a crane
I'm a superhero too see?

Some unintentional rhyming in there :)

Living in Nature

I love nature. It’s no secret, its the reason I donate to Greenpeace and the WWF every month and the reason I’m a vegetarian. I just like to look. Stare at it and soak up every little bit of it.

On the one hand I would love to live in the country as your surrounded by those lovely sights and its so green. On the other hand I would love to live in the city to feel the buzz of people living their lives. Because people are nature too in their own right, we may not be green but we are certainly part of nature. But you wouldn’t see any hills, there wouldn’t be many trees and a lot of the time the nearest you’ll get to nature is a park nearby.

This is why I don’t like living in a housing estate, the houses dominate the landscape, I am literally surrounded by houses. It makes it hard to experience nature, when all the houses are blocking the stars and moon at night and blocking out the evening sun. You have to ask why people feel the need to live compacted together, there are some clear reasons but it removes some excellent sights. I could quite happily sit and stare at the stars for hours just thinking about things, anything at all, trying to wrap my head around how big a world, galaxy, universe it is. Being around nature help’s to block out all the negative things happening in the world and show you the true things in life which should always be there since it’s natures right to be around us.

When I have a house I’m going to grow a large tree and watch it’s branches reach for the sky to grasp at the sunlight, and remember what a beautiful world we live in.

Run through the Forest.

You can tiptoe through life down the trodden path to ensure nothing out of the ordinary happens. But sometimes you just have to sprint through the forest and hope you won’t run into a tree. - View on overthinking and questioning things to much in life.

Today I’ve been considering te notion of questioning our actions and over-thinking them to the point of it being ridiculous. A lot of the time we can do things without hinking or do the total opposite and overthink things far to much. There is rarely a middle ground.

I have questioned things I do very often, thinking ‘Is this what I want to do? Is it a ‘me’ kind of thing to do? Am I comftable with this situation or is it out of my comfort zone?’ I’ve rarely been out of my comfort zone. When I am, I’m scared, but as a firm believer in doing things that scare you I go on and hope to not run into any trees. I take that sprint into the forest to see whats off the path I’m on and sometimes you find some things that you never expected. This doesn’t mean that I spend a long time wondering if I want to do it and getting confused…you just run.

But everyone is a little confused, our personalities change so often and develop over time - especially when you’re young - that it’s difficult to ever define the things you would ‘normally’ do. It would hinder you, make you less open to new experiences. So you have to stop questioning things sometimes to become open to new things. When I say that I don’t mean bad things, illegal things as they aren’t going to do you any favours but things which will improve your life.

I believe there is a number of people out there who need to question less things and do things they may be unsure of because you can be surprised, I know I have been by some of the things I have done. As it can result in not just letting yourself live your life.

The Root of Happiness

Today I relaised how much my feelings towards things in life has changed over time. When your perspectives change and your motives for doing some things are different it can help you to feel a whole lot better about the way your life is. For example I would really love to visit America, but my motives for doing so have developed over time, which has really made that my own. That feeling is my own and that idea is my own as it’s grown from that original thought.

To put it one way, the idea is a seed, and anything can be a seed, anything that might happen to you which makes you stop and think. But what really makes that idea something special is nourishing it and feeding it. Just like how you would water a flower, you feed the idea and mould it to be part of you and make it something which drives you.

Just as that inital idea of going to America has become somthing so much more, a desire to explore and take on every new opportunity. But most importantly it’s made me realise that you only get the most from life when you step outside of your box, because thats the only way you can expand your box until it’s full of all the wonderful things on offer. And thats such a good way to live and it can make you so happy. It’s scary. I’m not going to lie. When I’ve done things I’m unsure of I was terrified but at the end of it I was so glad I had done it. It’s a way to find out the things you love most and a way of opening your eye’s to the world. It’s the root to understanding. And if you make the effort to understand people and accept them for who they are, it will make them feel good but it will also help you to feel good. It’s a win-win situation. And if they are unhappy then you can do what you can to make them feel better just by being there and showing them they are an awesome person.

Enjoying what’s on offer is part of being happy. But you also have to be happy with the person you are. That’s something I learnt the hard way. When you feel like your not enough your not going to want to get out into the world. But when you realise ‘I am very happy with the person I am and I’m pretty damn awesome’ then you can get on with living your life.

I kicked ass...and Black Swan.

So met Ruffley. I had to greet him, and he was an hour late so he didn't really get off on the right foot did he? Mostly he talked about tuition fees, but obviously thats not was I was going to ask him about. When it got to my question I was determined that he wasn't going to just talk at me, I was going to be involved. Turns out he doesn't like to be interuppted, but who cares, I needed to have my say too, especially when he got off the point. He talked a lot about Iran and how our bombs are 'independant'. He finished off with the line 'Iran is a terrorist state', weird way to end. I was complimented however by the school governer and the head of year and the school on my question, I thought it went well, however I didn't get to finish so I may send him a nice letter finishing off. I would prefer a one to one debate but I'm thinking he wouldn't be up for that.

On another note I went to see Black Swan, wow. It's a great film but I don't think I could see it again, its so strange and messed up, I had my hands over my eyes at parts and it made me jump many times. Afterwards you feel so exhausted from watching it. But Natalie Portman is amazing in it, and the story is great, its just more mental than I was expecting.

Meeting Our Local MP

So, our local conservative MP, David Ruffley, is coming into our school to speak to some of the 6th form students. Obviously I jumped at the chance to be able to ask him some questions in person, even though I'm fairly sure he will try and worm his way out of a decent answer with some complex lanuage. I intend on asking him about what's going on in Afghanistan and Trident. Lots of people keep asking if anyone will ask him about his apparent attempted suicide, where he jumped in front of a (stopping) train, but I don't think anyone will be allowed to mention it, though it isn't comforting knowing the person who represents your area is feeling a bit suicidal. Most the people going do not like conservatives which isn't surprising since we are students after all, but it's not all going to be about the tuition fee increases although they will be mentioned of course, I may wind it into my question about Trident since if they cut it then they would have no need to rise fees, their priorities are clearly not straight. But it means he's going to be grilled about a lot of stuff, apparently all the local MP's came down one year and answered questions, I was told Ruffley was the only one not to stay afterwards to talk with the students more and was the most up himself, which isn't mch of a shock. It would be nice to ask the other MP's questions as well, but Ruffley will do, since he is the one in power..sadly.